September 22, 2023

Epic Law

The Law Folks

Enjoy Ownership Of A Pair Of Rockport Shoes

What I’m about to tell you may very well shock, horrify and upset you. If you’re wearing a pair of shoes I would advise you to take them off immediately. They may not be safe. It is of utmost importance that this information is spread to as many people as is physically possible.

A recent outbreak of shoe envy has engulfed the nation. Just like an overturned pot of warm honey will eventually drown a small gerbil, this latest bout of shoe envy has swept across our green and pleasant land with a reckless and unswerving hunger to devour all in its path.

The problem, experts have agreed, has stemmed from Rockport Shoes. It’s become increasingly apparent in recent years that Rockport have been making better and better looking men’s shoes. This is particularly concerning to those of us who have yet to enjoy ownership of a pair of Rockport Shoes.

What started off as just a little cause for concern rapidly escalated to full on panic when Rockport launched the Lux Lodge back in the Autumn Winter season of 2010. These men’s boots were so unbelievably cool and desirable that mass panic buys occurred, and by Christmas all that remained were extreme sizes at either the top or bottom of the scale.

With the panic spreading thick and fast, people started to turn to the other styles in the Rockport collection, with similarly devastating results. Those members of the general public lucky enough to have secured an original pair of Lux Lodge were forced to spend thousands and thousands of pounds on personal bodyguards and security personnel, as day to day trips to the shops became increasingly dangerous.

Clint Wainthroppe, a Lux Lodger from Piddington in the English county of Buckinghamshire described his experience as he slipped out to buy a pint of milk one Sunday morning:

I’d seen the news bulletins, read the papers and the official warning that came with the boots, and I personally thought it was a load of old codswallop. I’d sooner have my feet ripped from my body than pay a disgraceful sum of money to one of these glorified thugs for protection.

Unfortunately, Clint is now in intensive care after having had both of his feet ripped off by an angry and demonic mob of Lux Fiends. He is in a serious but stable condition and we wish him all the best.

We urge readers of this publication to be vigilant, wide-eyed and extremely careful. If you have a pair of Rockport Shoes for heaven’s sake please do be careful when out and about in exposed public locations. Rockport are issuing all new owners with an official letter of warning, along with the names and contact details of several privately run personal security companies.

If you don’t own a pair of Rockport Shoes then, for now at least, it would seem you are safe. There is no way of telling what brand this horrible shoe envy will spread to next, but you can rest assured that our agents are working twenty-four-seven to ensure that the shoe-buying public’s safety is never, ever compromised.